How To Hire An Escort (From An Escort)

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Anna, how do I hire an escort?

ME: Are you trying to book me?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: No

ME: Okay, well, I was hoping you were going to ask about booking me but whatever. I guess I can help you out of the kindness of my heart. We can just start with some basics. If you need something done, how do you usually find someone to do it?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: HEY ALEXA HOW DO I BOOK AN ESCORT

ME: I don’t know if she’ll be much help with that

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Oh, uh okay…I guess I Google it?

ME: Sure, let’s try that! If we’d like to skip ahead I can tell you a few things.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: HEY GOOGLE CURVY FUNNY BLONDE ESCORTS IN ATLANTA

ME: You’re talking to a curvy, funny, blonde escort. Also why do you have a Google Home and an Alexa? That seems unnecessary and potentially confusing.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Actually it’s really good becau-

ME: Nevermind, we need to focus! I’ll go ahead and jump ahead a little. The best places to find a funny, curvy, blonde escorts are going to be Tryst, Eros, Slixa, and (maybe best of all) Twitter.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Twitter? Really? Why is it best?

ME: We all get more control of all the stuff we put out there. We can post photos and funny things and link to whatever we want. Plus it’s free.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Can’t you pay for that blue checkmark now? Hey, isn’t Elon Musk running Twitter into the ground?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: What are you going to do if it goes under? Like what’s the plan?

ME: I said I don’t want to talk about it! It is helpful if people subscribe to my newsletter so we can stay in contact with one another.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: I can I just reply to your posts and message you whenever I want?

ME: …if you’d like to remain in good standing, I wouldn’t recommend wasting anyone’s time.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Is there a nickname or terms for someone who like tries to get an escort’s attention without ever compensating them for their time or energy?

ME: We call them timewasters.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: How long did it take you guys to come up with that?

ME: Don’t be rude. You want my help, right?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Sorry, my bad. Okay so I just did some browsing on Tryst-

ME: Nice

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: And I created a kind of anonymous, horny Twitter so that I can follow her and a few other people I like.

ME: Great job.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: I saw that she has a website. Should I look at it?

ME: What do you think?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: I feel like you’re being sarcastic.

ME: I am. I’m sure her website has all the info you need.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: What if I just messaged her on Twitter asking her to book?

ME: Don’t do that. In addition to wasting her time, you could get her account shut down.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Oh, shit okay. I won’t do that. Hey…Twitter is cool! I like that I get to see everyone talking to one another. It makes me feel better about knowing that I’m contacting a reputable escort.

ME: Right?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Wait…if Twitter gets shut down, how will I be able to find her or other escorts in Atlanta? What about ME??

ME: It’s almost as if things that affect people who are providing a service also affect the people who are seeking a service.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Hey, what’s SESTA/FOSTA?

ME: FOCUS. We can talk about FOSTA/SESTA later. It is important though, and I’m glad you’re interested in learning more about the issues that impact sex workers. I’m proud of you.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Thanks :)

ME: You’re welcome. :) So what did you find on her website?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Hmmm…so she’s got like a bio, there’s a bunch of pictures, she’s got her rates listed…oh cool, she has a blog! You should think about writing a blog or something!

ME: I have a blog!

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Oh sorry, my bad. She’s got information about screening. What’s screening?

ME: Screening is a way that we’re able to make sure you are who you say you are and that you don’t have any sort of violent history. It helps us feel safe and comfortable, so that we can fully relax and enjoy our time with you.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: That makes sense. She needs to see my license…that seems like a lot. Can I screen her and ask to see her license? Is it a two way street?

ME: What do you think?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: You’re being sarcastic again, aren’t you?

ME: Yes. Please do not ask to see a companion’s license, it’s incre-

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Wait, what’s a companion?

ME: Companion and escort mean the same thing. Provider is another term we use. Like I was saying, do not ask for a provider’s license. We value our privacy and safety and security just as much as you do. A website, OnlyFans, Twitter, a blog, a newsletter, ads – these are all things we use to give you the peace of mind that you’re spending time with a reputable provider. Not everyone will have all of these, and that’s also okay! You need to figure out what you would like to see in order for you to feel comfortable and safe with an escort.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: That makes sense…I’m sorry, I promise I don’t want anyone to feel unsafe. I would never want to cross boundaries. I understand that it’s a red flag to ask personal questions. I guess it might just be better to let them tell me as much about themselves as they feel comfortable with.

ME: Great idea :)

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: It’s kind of like every other relationship I guess. Like the more time you spend with someone, the more you get to know them and the more comfortable you feel around one another.

ME: That’s a great way to put it.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: So I shouldn’t ask them questions like “What’s your real name?”

ME: No, that’s a very inappropriate question that violates her need for privacy. If you asked me that, it would be a huge red flag.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: What about “What’s the worst experience you’ve ever had with a client?”

ME: What do you think.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Yeah, I guess a question like that might be inappropriate. Like, it would be weird to ask someone to dredge up potentially painful or traumatic experiences for my own morbid curiosity…Oh, she needs a deposit too. Does that mean she’s scamming me?

ME: Of course it doesn’t. Not everyone requires a deposit, but it’s common practice. Think of it like an insurance policy or a gesture of good faith. It shows us that you’re serious about spending time with us. The amount of the deposit and the methods through which they accept the deposit will vary by companion.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: She needs a 20% deposit. What’s 20% of [INSERT HER RATE HERE]?

ME: That’s a question for Google or Alexa.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: How should I reach out?

ME: Does she have a booking form? Sometimes people will require you to fill out their booking form, but some people are okay with reaching out directly through email. I’m okay with either, but if they’re reaching out through email try to include as much information as possible.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Okay, looking at her booking form…it says she needs my phone number. Is she going to call me? Can I use a Google Voice number HEY GOOGLE CREATE A GOOGLE VOICE NU-

ME: It’s just for screening purposes. She’s not going to call you. Also if you like try to get around her requirements, it’s not a good sign. I know personally when I see someone being sneaky about little things, it makes me feel like they’re probably lying and being sneaky about bigger things. Then I’m on edge, and if I’m on edge during the screening process I probably won’t see them.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: But I don’t want to see you, I want to see her.

ME: We have established this. I’m just trying to be helpful here. Do you want my help?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Yes, I’m sorry. :( What email should I use? Do I have to give her like my work email?? Anna, I’m married and I have a job and a life that I don’t want to risk.

ME: No, you don’t have to use your work email, calm down. She might use your work email as a part of her screening, but companions are experts in discretion. Trust me, unless you’re Mr. Robot, she probably knows more about safety and privacy than you do.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: What’s Mr. Robot?

ME: It was a show about hacking. It was really good, one of my favorites.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Oh cool, I’ll check it out. So what email does Mr. Robot think I should use?

ME: Most of us use Proton Mail. It’s free, ad free, user-friendly, and it’s encrypted end-to-end if both parties are using it. What that means is that Proton Mail can’t look at your emails and if you lose your password all your emails will just look like “VUYFvyhb^&558hl@BV7gbvbyR%$^F77””;p[[lYF.” Google used to read our emails so they could send us target advertisements, but they still will comply with subpoenas from law enforcement 83% of the time.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Oh my God, why hasn’t anyone been talking about that?!

ME: I mean, people do.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Why doesn’t anyone care?!

ME: I mean convenience is the opiate of the masses. We’re all tired and overworked and sometimes the small conveniences are worth the price that we pay for them. Also there’s something called asymmetric information where one party of a transaction knows more about the product during a transactionthan the other party. So sometimes the supplier can use this to their advantage and the consumer remains none the wiser. Like I’m sure there’s a ton of shady stuff happening right now that we don’t even know about. I guess the fact that all good journalism is behind a paywall doesn’t help. And to some extent we also all just don’t really have a choice. Like we’re trapped in a house of mirrors being designed by a sadistic architect where any attempt at escape only results in getting lost further and further in the maze.  

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Damn, that sounds bleak.

ME: I mean, I have hope for a better, different future.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: I guess I’ll use Proton Mail.

ME: Good choice.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: It feels weird to just contact her out of the blue without any sort of introduction. Is there a way to break the ice??

ME: You can always send her a little ice breaker gift. It’s absolutely not necessary, but it can be nice! Doesn’t have to be anything big, in fact it’s often the little things that can mean the most! Does she have a wishlist or gift page?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Yeah! I see her gift page. Ooo! What if I sent her a gift card? Is that a good idea?

ME: Totally! Gift cards are a great gift that lets her kind of pick out what she wants.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Perfect! Okay I filled out her booking form with everything that she asked. It’s not necessary, but I sent her a gift card to show her how much I’ve been thinking about her…What’s next?

ME: Now we just wait. She has a whole life, so it could take up to a day or two to hear back.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: But I want to see her today!

ME: Not everyone takes same day bookings. Every provider is different. Like I can sometimes take people same-day, but it’s never a guaranteed thing. She probably has information about her schedule on her website.

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Oh yeah, I saw something about an extra same-day fee.

ME: And you’re willing to pay it?

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Absolutely. I have been set on the straight and narrow and I’m eager to follow all of her rules and etiquette guidelines.

ME: I’m so proud of you :)

FICTIONAL POTENTIAL CLIENT: Thanks, Anna :) I can’t wait to hear back from her!

ME: You two have fun, and don’t get into too much trouble ;)