“How long do you plan on doing this?”

Sometimes asked with curiosity, sometimes with concern - always expecting that I have an answer. I don’t.

I used to have all the answers – they weren’t always correct, but I had them. It felt comforting to have a plan for life a month from now, a year from now, ten years.

COVID and quarantine changed a lot of that for me, is changing a lot of that for me.  

I look back at who I was at the beginning of March 2020 and who I am now. Same person with the same heart, but I feel like I’ve gone through a wormhole. Somehow I’ve aged 10 years in past 18 months - emotionally, mentally, and I definitely have a lot more grey hair (conveniently covered by my absolutely natural blonde hair.)

It reminds me a lot of the story of the conversion of the Apostle Paul on the road to Damascus. I’m not religious anymore, but I still find comfort in some of the stories. They can still be useful. Saul was a Pharisee who was rather fond of persecuting and killing early Christians (this takes place roughly 5 years after the Ascension.) As Saul (soon to be Paul) is headed towards Damascus, ready to cause some more trouble, a great light/phantom/celestial being appears in front of the group stopping everyone in their tracks. The voice (Jesus, God, whoever) called to Saul

“Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?”

And he said,” Who art thou, Lord?” And the Lord said, “I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.”

“Kicking against the pricks.” I think about that a lot. When it says pricks, imagine a giant brambley, thorny bush. Every time you touch it something sharp pokes you, maybe even draws blood. Imagine if you were faced with a host of brambley bushes that you needed to get over. Imagine thinking “I am tough and strong and not afraid of this bush, so I’m going to stomp through it and kick my way through!” You’re probably not going to be very successful. You’re probably going to end up in a lot of pain. You’re probably going to look very dumb. Because thorns are thorns no matter if you’re afraid of them or not. “It’s just my nature.”

I feel like I used to fight time. That sounds kind of silly, but I believe we all have. We want time to be linear, to be structured, to be logical, to be what we want. But look at your life. Imagine current-you talking to five years ago-you. Imagine trying to explain every mishap, every failure that you didn’t expect. Imagine telling them all the amazing things that happen as well. Children being born, completing degrees, promotions and new jobs that pay well, moving to new places, feeling what it’s like to have a full and indescribable life! You don’t plan for some of the best stuff that’s happened just like you can’t account for misfortune.

I had no clue that I’d be in this line of work five years ago, but when current-me looks back I can see the patterns or the lessons being learned. I don’t necessarily believe that “everything happens for a reason,” but I do very much believe in “Everything happened the way it did and you can’t change the past. What are you gonna do going forward?”

No one predicted the Coronavirus just like no one predicted we’d be dealing with a lot of it still. I have stopped forcing myself to create three, five, ten year plans. I had those! And a pandemic began. It fucked a lot of shit up. But you can’t change the past. What are you gonna going forward?

Don’t worry, I’m still a planner and still a little tightly-wound, but I feel like I’m becoming softer, and I like that. I have goals, I still have dreams, but I’m not trying to control the uncontrollable.

How long am I gonna do this? I honestly don’t know, so I would go ahead and book that dinner date before it’s too late. I didn’t know how long I’d do my previous careers, but things worked out this way. I average out to being pretty happy every day.

Maybe I’ll do it for the next 30 years, maybe I’ll stop in 6 months. Who could say. I just know that one day, I’ll feel the winds change, I’ll come across the brambles, and I’ll know what to do.

Hi! I’m Anna Carter, a GFE escort in Manhattan, NYC. I’m originally from Atlanta, GA.