Inside Thoughts
“Never trust a thought that occurs to you indoors.”
I can’t remember where I first heard this quote, but it hit me like a ton of bricks because I heard it when I needed it the most. It was June, and I’d been living here (in NYC as a NYC escort) for a month. As the adrenaline of moving my entire life wore off, doubts started slipping in. Did I do the right thing? What if I fucked up? What if I fail? What if moving to NYC was a huge mistake? What if I ruined everything?
Thoughts that pop up and mutate and multiply and evolve into something past the point of reason, logic, and reality. My life in Atlanta had all the comforts and routine that I could possibly want. Atlanta was home. I left home because I wanted new, and now in New York, I had nothing but new. Every day was a brand new day. There was no history that I could fall back on. All my creature comforts had evaporated overnight. Sure, my home and neighborhood were new, but everything else was as well. I needed new insurance, a new primary care physican, a new nail place, a new grocery store, a new vet for the cats, a new wing place, a new local bar to meet a friend for a drink, a new go-to coffeeshop, a new gym, a new Target. Then there were all the things I hadn’t needed before popped up in New York: a laundromat, a bagel place, a bodega. I already knew how to use the subway, but now I had to learn the subway. And I was doing all this while also trying to reestablish my business in not just any city, but The City.
One night I decided to go for a walk. I obviously had been walking a lot in general, but most walking was purposeful: getting something to eat, buying something for the house, going to the gym, meeting a friend. I had bought a little pedometer a few days before. I knew I was walking a lot most days, but I made it my goal to make sure I was getting at least 10,000 steps every day. Most days I was well over 10,000, but that particular day, I was only at 7,000 steps at 7pm. I had been out earlier in the day to go to the gym and run one small errand, but the rest of the day had been spent at my desk or putzing around my house. I’d been inside pretty much all day.
I finished dinner and fed the cats. I put on my sneakers, grabbed my phone and headphones, and walked out the door. I wasn’t headed anywhere in particular. My rule was: go in whatever direction looks most interesting. I didn’t know where I was going. If anything, I was determined to get myself lost so I could get better at knowing where I was. I thought the more often I tried to get myself lost, the less often I would feel lost.
I meandered down quiet, residential streets and attempted to peak into windows as I walked by. I observed busy restaurant bursting with dozens of different conversations. I passed by people on the sidewalk headed in some opposite, unknown direction. Maybe it’s the writer in me, but I tried to imagine the lives of the people I encountered. I wrote their stories -
A couple sitting outside at a French restaurant. It’s their second date. Their first date was more casual, just drinks. They slept together afterwards, and he realized how much he liked her. He’s taking her here to show her how invested he is in her. By the way she was leaning in and laughing, it looks like she’s just as invested in him.
A man in a suit headed home from a late night at the office. He said he would have better boundaries at work, but once again he’s making exceptions because…who is waiting on him at home? He’s thinking of getting a dog because he wants something to be obligated to other than the markets.
A man and a woman in business casual headed out of an office building. They’re working on the same project, but the real reason they stayed late is to be around each other just a little longer. The tension between them can be cut with a knife, but both are afraid to make a move. He’ll walk her home, and they’ll linger on the goodbye until they’re drawn together like magnets.
A group of women enjoying a round (technically third round) of espresso martinis during their weekly catch-up. They’re in that brief, magical time where they’re young and all single simultaneously. They gossip urgently about the details of this past week: drama at work, the date one of them went on, a message that one received from their ex, a fruitless search for a new apartment.
I noticed something interesting: as I walked, everything that I was worried about seemed less scary. Life was moving around me, the world was still turning. Maybe some of my worries needed a solution, but most of them just needed perspective.
I still have days where the worries spiral out of control. I realize, “I’m having too many inside thoughts,” so I step out my front door. I get lost in my thoughts as I get lost in the city and every day it gets easier to find my way back home.
Hi! I’m Anna Carter, a GFE escort in Manhattan, NYC. I’m originally from Atlanta, GA.